BJ and the Bear S3 E7: Blond In a Gilded Cell

(Shouldn't that be "Blonde"?)
Originally aired on March 3, 1981
Directed by Christian I. Nyby II
Written by Robert L. McCullough

Keep it Rockin', Pasadena

Dante Defoe, celebrated rocker played by Paul Williams, has a big concert in Los Angeles this Saturday. (2 PM) Stacks and that annoying gal (Callie?) deliver some equipment to his people. Dante takes a shine to her. Before you can say "Rainbow Connection," Stacks is kidnapped. She winds up in a large bedroom suite, naked. The room has all sorts of beautiful clothes but no doors. We don't see anyone else but we hear two voices talking as they stare at her through a two-way mirror. B.J. and the gals have to find her! B.J. becomes part of soft rock band called Ghettoway City so he can get a song in the show to keep an eye on the venue. Could Dante have kidnapped Stacks? Who is Pamela Jurgenson? Who is Jeannie Campbell? Will Bear get loaded?

Rockin' With Dante

(As he is enjoyed by Stacks)

Full disclosure: Paul Williams is awesome. Whenever he pops up in something, I know I'm going to have a good time. He also seems like a super cool guy. My one problem with him is his music. Almost without fail I find it cloying to the extreme. I like "Rainbow Connection" when sung by Kermit. And, I like the Phantom of the Paradise songs within the context of the movie. But, most of his music just strikes me as flaccid faux-rock of various varieties. The song he sings here (which is possibly called "Family of Man") is a perfect example. It sounds like a song you've heard many times before. It has very vague lyrics meant to inspire, I think. It's extremely catchy but it just feels sort of...  Oh well. It is what it is. Plus, I believe he performed that song on a Hardy Boys/ Nancy Drew episode where everyone met Dracula.

Stacks hanging around in her new "room"

Having said that, this is the best episode of BJ and The Bear in a very long time. It does something the others this season haven't really done. It focusses specifically on one of the gals in danger. I don't know if it does such a great job but it tries. Stacks (Jeannie Campbell is her real name!) doesn't do much but whimper for BJ to save her. However, she does have some good moments when she's first kidnapped. She thinks Dante did this and this is some sort of bridal suite. She doesn't seem to consider it kidnapping. She dresses in lingerie expecting him. It's kind of disturbing. I believe she's putting a brave face on her situation but it's a bit tough to tell. Still. She does look great though.

Creepy Town, U.S.A.

The whole episode has a nice creepy feel to it. As Stacks cries in front of the two-way mirror, you see a hand touch the other side of the mirror as two (almost Muppet-like voices) croak away on the other side. The moment she realizes that there is no door is kind of chilling. When she tears away a backdrop, she just finds a black wall. So, we're using a favorite trope of mine: the person imprisoned inside a fake room within a real room. Then, there's the moment where her kidnappers step into the room to talk to her for the first time. It's all POV from them. She looks shocked and ends up fainting. When she discovers an heiress in an adjoining room (Pamela Jurgenson) and one of the twins is kidnapped, we realize that these sickos love blondes. And it's up to BJ to find them.

Hey, it's Ghettoway City!

And BJ being strangled by a Burlym'n.

One issue with the setup: Clearly the kidnappers have several "rooms" like this in their home. They're really working hard to make sure these women don't get found. And yet, two of them can hear each other through vents in adjoining rooms. That seems like an Evil Kidnapping Mastermind Design Flaw.

Thank Heaven For Vents!

Grant and Steiger feature in this episode. They are used in an interesting fashion. For once, they have nothing to do with the kidnapping. They're just there to extort the concert promoters for "protection." The two of them follow BJ to the final confrontation with the kidnappers and their huge steel plated bodyguard. Grant actually shows human sympathy to the deranged perpetrators in the end. The heck? It's nicely done because their appearance at the venue as BJ and Callie look for Stacks is irrelevant to the danger at hand but sets them up for later on. You expect them to take advantage of this in some way. But, they don't. They help. This dynamic could work.

We've still got bad cops and action, though

BJ does go undercover in a band here. ("Undercover" is pushing it. But, it's close enough.) He and Ghettoway City sing a song that gets the crowd riled up and excited. It's a song he sung during the 1980 Osmond Family Christmas Show. "People I know I want to be around" is the main line in the chorus. I'm not sure what it's called. I can't say it thrills me but I'm not watching this show for the music. (Which may not be the right attitude but it's the only attitude I've got.) The song is performed three times. Once about a 1/3 of the way through with BJ solo. Once with the band all the way through. Then, at the end, BJ is heard playing the end. That's a lot of this song! By the third time it plays, it felt like padding, which is too bad because the rest of the episode is super strong.

He's going to awaken his Princess

I'm trying not to give too much away. (I may have already.) This episode surprises by wheeling back the comedy, which hasn't been that stellar this season. Or, in fact, ever. It keeps the focus on a rather creepy plot line. (Especially the voice behind the mirror, the looped voice on the telephone and the moment when Stacks's kidnapper kisses her when she's fainted.) It seems pretty hopeless at first. Stacks is kidnapped so quickly, almost matter-of-factly. She's there one moment and then gone. How many women have these kidnappers taken like this? They asked for a $1M for the heiress and then never picked up the money. They've got lots of money of their own (obviously) and are weird as hell. Only BJ and Bear can save everyone and bring this evil to justice. Then, when he's done that, Soft Rock Party, Baby!

Disco Pause!

OK....

I like Stack's taste in things

SPOILER...
AFTER THE SCREENSHOT...

No, don't spoil it...  NOOOOO!!!

The kidnappers are the multiple personalities of Dante. He's never found love and he thinks this is the way to find it. His bodyguard kidnaps the girls. They implant them in these "rooms." It's never stated how any other people know about this. Surely the contractor did? "You want me to build a series of hidden rooms without doors that are filled with two-way mirrors in your mansion basement? Sure. It's going to cost you." Paul Williams has a creepy breakdown with Grant and BJ standing by. It all feels very serious and dark for this show. It hasn't been this dark since "The Foundlings." This is a great episode. Here's hoping they can keep this run going.

 Then, it got weird

Then, it got sweet

 

Then, Bear got drunk



BJ and the Bear S3 E6: Beauties And The Beasts

Originally aired on February 17, 1981
Directed by Christian I. Nyby III
Teleplay by Robert L. McCullough, Tom Sawyer, Michael Halperin and Richard Christian Matheson & Thomas E. Szollosi
Story by Ken Pettus

I can count. And that's 7 ladies all right

Grant is after BJ and the gals again. The gals want to raise money to buy Angie's Nephew Louis and his friends football uniforms and equipment. They throw a mini-carnival/ fair type of thing with a lottery. Steiger arrests all seven of them because they forgot to get a permit for the aforementioned lottery. Grant has them placed in a jail far from Los Angeles so BJ will not have truckers he needs for an upcoming haul. BJ eventually finds the gals and comes up with an idea: A football game between his gals and the female prison guards. The guards win and BJ loses everything. BJ's gals win and Grant leaves everyone alone until the next episode. But, will Grant cheat? Hell, will BJ cheat? Do I feel cheated of 48 minutes of my time after watching this episode?

The answers to those questions are: yes, yes and almost.

The game begins...  with headbands!

Can we all dwell on the fact that 6 people wrote this? There's a story, which is where the original premise came from. But the "and" and "&" in the teleplay credit implies that there may have been more than one story involved that got grafted together. And it shows. The episode starts with all the nephew stuff, which isn't that great. Then, it segues into a Women In Prison segment. Then, it becomes the final football game where...  wait for it...  Grant substitutes guys for the prison guard ladies. Uh oh! But, BJ fills a football with helium! And he does something to another one to make it weigh a lot! Oh the wackiness!

 Normally a game like this is something I can get behind

Sorry, Bear

Except that's the only part of the show played for wacky. The tonal shifts are hurting my neck again. Grant and Steiger are as nasty as ever. The scenes with Louis play like poor Afterschool Special material. The prison scenes are actually kind of unpleasant, which makes all the helium football gags feel odd. It is tough to see where the episode's going to go until BJ makes the deal with Grant. Frankly, it wasn't what I was expecting. It seems to belong to another episode.

 Twins running

And helium balloons

Sadly, the football game comes across as a hodgepodge of randomly edited together moments. The gals get some points. The guys get some points. Stacks loses her shorts. Helium football! Suddenly, BJ's on the team. And then it's over. There's no sense of time to it. There's no sense of urgency. And, worst of all, even though it is flag football, those guys look like they want to kill our gals. And yet they never quite do. And I'm not sure why. The way the whole scene is put together gives the impression that the gals will be crushed. But, it does not happen. Don't get me wrong: I don't want to see any of them crushed but I'm not sure how it happened the way it happens. I guess the moment the "good" team starts ripping off Marx Brothers bits to win then all reality has gone out the window.

The best part of this episode is the screenshots

The Louis/ Abdul (he wants to be called Abdul) section has some amusing bits where he's chatting with BJ and they're sort of picking on one another. And, it's fun when he's on the sidelines with BJ during the game. But, that portion of the episode feels half-baked. (Sort of like the editing in the game.) My favorite part: He hangs out with a "gang" called the Vampires. (They're the ones the gals want to buy uniforms for.) Louis is about 12. The "gang" is a bunch of 12-year-olds. I'm not convinced.

Not quite the same pizzazz

The whole "Gals want to help these kids get equipment" bit of the episode goes by a bit too fast. One minute Louis and Angie say how much money they need. Next minute, the gals are talking about helping "The Vampires." It took me a moment to remember that they weren't talking about actual vampires. Then, they decide to do this fair thing. Then, Grant mentions the permits and I thought he meant trucking permits. Then, we're at the fair where they all get arrested. It took six people to write this strange, lurking mess? How and why?

Oh Louis! You charmer

See you in the next episode...  Wait. What?

He's not in any more...  Oh

The prison sequence is as harrowing as this show gets, which is not very. Until Cindy puts a bowl full of soup on a guard's head and wacky music shows up.

Why me? Why me all the time?

I really have the feeling that this show no longer has any idea what it's up to or what it wants to be. Yes, all seven gals get something to do here. Yes, everyone looks cute in their football outfits. Yes, BJ has some fun moments talking with Louis. Yes, Bear ends up in a football uniform (where'd he get that from?) drinking beer. Those are good things. But, the rest of it is a confused mess that goes too fast and then goes too slow and then has too much going on and then can't stick the big game ending. I'm sorry to say that I think this show is really floundering. Greg Evigan and the gals are doing what they can. (Grant and Steiger are really bordering on unbearable.*) But, the scripts need to be better than this. The set pieces need to be less jumbled. And it needs to be more fun. Adding in "Wooooooo" noises when Callie kicks the helium football doesn't really cut it.

Freeze frame?

*Although it is strange to see how they go from being so nasty to goofballs out on the football field. Maybe half of the writers thought they were writing for Lobo and Perkins?

BJ And The Bear S3 E5: Down And Dirty

Originally aired on February 10, 1981
Directed by Michael Preece
Written by Rogers Turrentine

Note: I use the word "weird" a lot in this review. I believe it is justified.

It gets weirder

It's nice to have some Stacks featured here. But, my theory about the show featuring one of the lady truckers in this episode and another in the next episode to spotlight them all is shot in the foot here. The main gal is Sam, who was the main gal in the last episode. And there's far too much Callie. Oh well.

Stacks Ahoy!

This episode made me anxious. It takes place in Reno. Callie goes two thousand in debt at a casino. Sam is there for a psychic convention. Steiger is hauling some stolen slot machines around. Two federal agents are looking for the machines. BJ and Grant play a big game of Four Card Stud for all or nothing. (Basically, BJ's rig.) Plus, Greg Evigan in his underpants. So, this episode has that going for it.

This image is for all people who love good things

Plus, you can play my new game with Steiger:

Tie, Cravat or Ascot?

This episode is a weird one. (I told ya.) It's structured sort of Sting-esque with lots of twists and turns and double-crosses and that kind of thing. But, events and scenes just kind of happen. Plotlines get resolved... or not. Moments occur that aim to accomplish something but seem kind of hazy and vague. For example: during the big card game with Grant, BJ has a little speaker in his ear. Sam is sending him info on Grant's cards. Right at the moment where BJ is about to win, a guy starts vacuuming nearby causing static on BJ's earpiece. BJ starts to lose. One thinks "Well, the vacuum guy will pass." But, no. He seems to vacuum the same spot on the rug for minutes on end. (And isn't the sound of the vacuum so close annoying to the players?) Literally, it keeps cutting from BJ's ear with static to the guy vacuuming the Same Spot over and over. What?!

Present your badges, men

(The guy on the right thought they were shooting widescreen)

Then, there's some weirdness with the gals. In the previous episode, Sam was the gambler. Callie was just annoying. In this episode, Callie is a gambler with a problem. And Sam is psychic. What?! The same guy wrote both these episodes. Did he accidentally switch Callie and Sam's names on his script and no one bothered to fix them? If they want to establish these gals as anything more than ciphers, that can't pull nonsense like this.



I can't believe Judy Landers wants MY autograph

What about the opening sequence? It feels like we're missing something. BJ, driving at night, goes right through a Grant-placed roadblock causing huge explosions and chaos. After it happens, we cut to Grant's office the next day where we learn that BJ had a sick kid in his rig who would have died if he stopped. What the hell?! He what?! I didn't see a sick kid. There's no mention of a sick kid. It looks like BJ is just doing something crazy. I thought that when the scene was over BJ was going to pull off a mask and reveal himself to be Steiger or Grant. It's such a w*i*d scene.

I've got a sick child (!) on board

And the final scenes are weird too. They pile on a lot of incidents that seem to need explaining. Cheating at the card game, stolen slot machines, BJ beating up Federal agents, getting Callie's rig from the casino...  And then wraps everything up in a really quick scene that has a semi-incoherent twist and seems to leave a lot of stuff hanging. Did I mention that this script is really odd?

Yeah, this script is confusing me too.

Plus, there's the fact that the show has specifically set itself in Los Angeles...  but everyone winds up in the same casino in Reno. It's about 500 miles from Los Angeles to Reno. If the location was changed to specifically allow for a script with gambling, then that is one of the most contrived things I've ever encountered. Why ground your travelling show in a specific place and then have the 4th regular episode be one that can't happen in that place? When Run For The Money went to a casino, it was for a convention that everyone would logically be at. Here...  you guessed it...  it's weird.

 

There's a face you want to punch

I've got lots of questions here, folks.

Overall, it's not a bad episode. It definitely has a lot going on and it's rarely dumb. Bear is in it a lot. I am not a fan of card games/ gambling and there is a lot of that in here. Your mileage will vary. If you can forgive all the contrivances and the screwy characterizations, it's a breezy 48 or so minutes. It, honestly, did make me a bit anxious. (There's way too much Grant in here.) And the fact that nothing BJ does seems to come with any consequences, except good ones for him, mean that happy endings abound!

Oh, Sam tells BJ to "shove it up your big red Kenworth" at one point. That might be worth the price of admission.

 Gotta love that face

 Who's sleeping in that drawer?

It's Lancelot Link!

Oh wait...