This is possibly not as enticing a title as “Schulmadchen-Report 2: The Nuding” but you make do with what you have. This intro is completely pointless but I felt like I needed to introduce this article in some way. Honestly, I’m not sure how. But, I make do with what I have.
This is about watching movies. My memories of watching a six-pack of films on VHS (and subsequent viewings on DVD), told in whatever fashion struck me. I tried to pull up the memories of the initial viewing and then vamp in the way which seemed best suited to it. So, this may not be about
Video Store Memories exactly, but The Stores and The Viewing run hand in hand. Post-modern authors may want to punch me. Think of this more as a sort of pre-modern wave to Sterne. Now, on to the show…
Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare & Other Stuff
We were running like mad across Keith Polidor’s lawn. He lived on a really nice suburban street in a really nice house that always smelled like the detergent his mom used to wash their clothes.
Their house had a big yard that dropped off suddenly into trees and a small fence that had been trampled down. At the bottom of this rather steep drop was a railroad track. Occasionally the train would hoot and rumble by going somewhere or other. Maybe to the beer plant? I don’t know. A railroad track passed close to the zoo. Maybe this was the same track? Maybe the train as filled with zoo animals or zoo enthusiast from around the country? I don’t know.
It was a Saturday night. It was around 11:00PM. It was September. Kind of chilly out. The party had beer and hard liquor and lots of screaming and yelling jocks and cheerleaders. And, me.
What was I doing here? I couldn’t say. I always had a decent knack for making folks laugh. You make them laugh and they want you to hang around. So, I got invited to a big jock party thing. I believe the first football game of the high school season had just been played. Most of the folks there were juniors from my class but there were a few seniors. Folks I vaguely recognized.
Oh sure, the girls were cute. Real cute. But, they were pretty much all matched up with a football guy of some kind and I wasn’t madly in love with anyone in particular. I guess I came along to… I don’t know. Who knows? A couple of laughs. You can make connections of a kind at a party like this that can help. Most of these guys were tough. Nice to have a tough guy on your side now and then. Plus, if you got into a tussle of some kind, the guy on the other side was less likely to punch you in the head if you had made him laugh. Actually, maybe I did go to meet cheerleaders. (Oddly, I never met a cheerleader I didn’t like.)
Hell, why not? 16-year-old Red-Blooded Polish-American boy. Why not?
So, we were running madly along Keith’s lawn. Dave Kurtz and Chris Carey were chasing Bethany and Joanne. I was saying something or other, probably witty (here’s hoping), strolling with Keith who I had gone to grammar school with. He had a beer in his hand and was cultivating a beard of some sort. Dave and Chris had beers. Dave, in fact, had two. They were looped.
Chris and I had also gone to grammar school together. He was easily excitable. Used to yell a lot. One day, we met his mom and she yelled at us. She even yelled at my dad. Ahhh, that’s where it came from. Of course, it didn’t explain Chris’s special smell. If you got close to him, he always smelled like…behind. Not so great. I expect it from an 8-month-old with a dirty diaper but from a 16-year-old…Not as much. I guess the great thing about being a high school football player is that, even thought he never lost that odor; cheerleaders just went out with him. That’s what they did. I remember he went out with some doozys. It was a rule: You go out there and bring us some excitement by playing football and you get your choice of some of the prettiest gals in town.
I always smelled nice. Like rose petals and tarragon.
I didn’t know Dave that well. He was a charming guy but a bit, well, thick. One of those fellows who always seemed to be failing classes but never got left back. Why was that? He was the team’s wide receiver.
Dave did one thing in Physics Class that I will always remember. The teacher went from person to person. “Name?” “Daniel.” ‘What do you like to be called?” ‘Dane.” “Name?” “David.” What do you like to be called?” “Chet.” “All right, Chet. Nice to meet you.” We’d always said that we would do this but Dave did. For the rest of the year we’d hear, “What do you think of that, Chet? Chet?” There’d be a pause and then we’d all smile and Dave would speak up. If someone came in from outside, they’d get very confused. But, we had a great time. Bravo, Chet!
Keith and I watched as Dave and Chris chased the ladies. They were much more agile. We watched them run to the edge of the drop and scurry away from it. Both Chris and Dave slipped but righted themselves before they went flying down the hill.
“Be careful over there!” Keith yelled. And, that would be all the warning they got. And, why not, I say!
Our discussion on taxation in 12th century Europe continued. (No, we were probably talking about whether or not we could get a kiss from one of the gals.) Bethany and Joanne screamed by us, saying a quick hello. We waved at them. Chris and Dave stumbled along. Chris had lost his beer and, somehow, Dave had three. Well…
Screams. Yells. And, Chris and Dave slipped again. Chris fell to the ground like a rock and picked himself up. Dave was visible for one long moment. Then, he vanished over the hill with only the clinking of glasses to follow him down.
“Oh crap!” Keith and I ran to the edge.
It was really dark over here. No lights anywhere. We yelled Dave’s name into the abyss. There was a long pause. The ladies and Smelly Chris joined us. We peered down. I suggested a flashlight. Then, a shape rose from the darkness, right on the edge of the trees.
“Dave?” He laughed, a big, lugubrious laugh. “I’m OK.” He had slid down a grassy patch of land and plopped down right before the trees and the fence and the real sharp plummet.
We laughed out of relief and went back to what we were doing. Well, everyone but me. I waited to make sure Dave was all right.
“Come on, Dave. Get up here.”
“Thanks, Dan. I’m fine. I lost my beers!”
“Don’t worry. They’ve got more.”
“All right!”
Dave stood next to me. Very little light fell on us. I took a deep breath and…froze.
“Good Lord. Dave.”
“What?”
The gals ran past. Trevor Estelle had joined Chris. (Trevor was another football player. But, unlike some of them, he had no illusions as to who was the well-loved one in a high school situation. He was. And, he didn’t let you forget it.) Dave was poised to leap back into the fray.
“Dave, is that…?”
“What?”
I looked at Dave. What I had taken for smears of mud and dirt on his clothes, his hands and his face became something else as I breathed in heartily.
“Dave. Maybe you should…”
“What?”
He ran into the light, chasing cheerleaders, covered with excrement.
My jaw dropped and I started laughing. The smell was overbearing. It was strong and musky and old. Like a fine wine that had been decanted from Satan’s behind. Oh my Lord!
I watched them spaz around for a few minutes. The girls caught the scent first. They looked seriously disturbed. Trevor and Chris caught it a moment later.
“God, Dave! You’re covered in shit!” Chris was not wrong.
“What?”
Dave stood in the light, smeared with yuck. Alternately, one of the most disturbing things I’d ever seen and the funniest.
Keith strolled up. He was always very calm. “Dave, let me get you a towel and a wet nap. You’re covered in crap.”
“What?”
It turns out Keith’s family had a septic tank and it was out back on the hill. Normally covered up. Someone forget to re-cover it and Our Dave slid right in. It took him a very long shower and a lot of soap to get to a regular smell again. But, sometimes, if you were standing downwind and Dave passed by, you could smell him. Ripe and powerful.
“While we are waiting for Dave to clean up, let’s put on a movie. I’ve got one here — Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare.”
I watched Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare for the first time that night. And, I knew it would always be a favorite. I also knew that this viewing was not a good one. For every minute I was enthralled by something on screen, a young lady would distract my attention (usually by just walking by). Or someone would chat with me. Or someone would yell from another room. Or something. Dave’s slip into septic and Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare are indelible memories that I can’t disconnect. It’s like the first time you listen to an album and you’re driving somewhere or at work or drifting off to sleep. As your mind is focused elsewhere, you hear songs and think “Oh yeah. This is good.” but you can’t place more of your mind over there. When you return to it, hopefully, your initial reactions are borne out and it, in fact, rocks.
Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare is so obviously kick-ass that you don’t even need to be in the same room. You can watch it reflected in a mirror and know that this is good stuff. And, as always, I became a little protective of it. I laughed, sure, but I also loved it. That’s why the DVD worried me. How would it look? What would the special features do? All that junk. I also wondered if there would be a special feature re-creating Dave’s slide into shite. No. (You’d think they could get more Dan-specific on these things.) Luckily, the DVD is great. As many times as I’ve seen the film, I felt like this was the first real time. It looks great and sounds great. And, the extras do a neat thing. They don’t ruin anything. I don’t watch the movie and think “Oh, yeah. This scene. The filmmakers didn’t give a crap here. Why should I?” John Fasano and Thor’s commentary is right on. The extras assist the film in becoming even madder than it already is. A perfect example of doing it right. The digital format helps a film persevere and prosper. I send applause their way.
If I knew Dave’s address, I’d send him a copy. And a couple of Baby Wipes.
Offerings: A Dialogue (and a bit more)
-Hello.
-Hello.
-We are to discuss today the difference between the VHS and DVD copies of the Christopher Reynolds film
Offerings.
-Did you bring lunch? They didn’t tell me to bring lunch.
-I first viewed
Offerings in the year 1994. I found it to be an enjoyable
Halloween-esque film. It was released in 1988. And, that year is better for it.
-I like movies.
-And they like you. Of course, the Bleeding Skull website has gone in-depth on the movie itself. The Sheriff was discussed in the
charming essay on overweight law enforcement in slasher films. Have you read that one?
-I’m sorry.
- I have heard that Mr. Skull is a good, kind man who treats his employees with the kindest of kind things. He would not harm a flea. Unless you cross him. If you do, buy a headstone.
-Hey! Bleeding Skull…BS!
-Hmmm…
-BS! You know, BS…
-Are we going to discuss
Offerings?
-You what?
-The movie we’ve been asked to talk about for this article.
-Are you smiling because you brought lunch and you know I didn’t?
-I’m smiling because I’m thinking about
Offerings.
-Easily amused, are you?
- I am a good man who does the work asked of him. And, today I watched the
Offerings DVD and…
-It stunk.
-Stank.
-Stunked.
-I think the word you’re looking for is stanked. As in, “It stanked in the antechamber for over three hours following the removal of the week-old cabbage.”
-Are you high?
-Hmmm…
-What’s in that cigarette?
-I love
Offerings.
-And you are?
-Rishigan Fishigan from Cishigan, Michigan.
-Yeah. Your momma.
-That’s my name.
-Is this your lunch?
-My dill pickle!
-Sonofabitch, this is good.
-Don’t curse. The Master doesn’t like it.
-Who?
-Mr. Skull….Hello, Mr. Skull, sir. Please don’t kill us. We’ll get to
Offerings soon.
-Haven’t they reviewed
Offerings?
-Yes.
-Then, why are we…ooh, Alpine lace…talking about it now for?
-That sandwich is mine.
-But, I’m eating it. Conundrum.
-
Offerings. VHS — Nice. DVD — garbage. It’s too bright and the audio keeps distorting.
-Thanks for the sandwich.
-You know, I’m not sure why we’ve been asked to talk about offerings.
-Anecdotes. Give them an anecdote.
-I don’t have one.
-Why were we asked to do this?
-I don’t know now.
-I’m gonna take off. Folks! Watch the VHS of
Offerings. Shy away from the DVD. Bye!
-He ate my lunch. No…he left a macaroon. I like macaroons.
I don’t know about that dialogue. I like some of it but I realize that I didn’t quite get the point across. I was trying to get to that strange feeling of disappointment I have whenever a film I love is “updated” to DVD and it turns out that the DVD is actually a downgrade. Films such as Offerings and Invitation To Hell (the British one) and everything on those cheap multi-movie sets (50 Horror Classics!) that I love and don’t love at the same time are perfect examples. It’s similar to when CDs came out. I remember rushing out and picking up “Physical Graffiti” and bringing it home. The songs were in a bit of a different order from the cassette. I knew that Atlantic used to switch the order of songs around on their cassettes to minimize the amount of tape on each side. I finally had the album in its proper order with digital sound! Holy crap! And, I listened to it and…couldn’t really hear a difference, except for the fact that the CD was kind of quiet and slightly muffled.
But, CDs were the new thing, circa 1988-9. It must be better than my old cassette. Over the next few months, I upgraded quite a few albums from LP or cassette to CD and was pretty much uninterested. New albums on CD sounded OK but the old stuff was pretty much “ahhh.” Eventually, most of these things would be properly mastered and end up sounding nice (although how many times can you remaster something?), but I didn’t know that then.
I remember when DVDs came out and I watched Horror Express. A film I’d always enjoyed — now on DVD! And, it stank. And, my heart sank. CDs all over again. A few years of junk followed by a series of remasters and re-releases. What the hell? After a time, I just resigned myself to it. Some films would get brilliant treatments on DVD; others would get treated like junk. And, God Forbid, if something you loved was treated like junk. Bad VHS has a charm. When a DVD is bad, it’s really annoying. When I popped in Offerings and saw the washed out and too bright colors with the soundtrack ratcheted up to high, my heart sunk. Invitation To Hell was worse.
The sad thing is that the chance of these films getting a decent release is probably very slim. Invitation To Hell got its chance!” I own the DVDs of Invitation To Hell and Offerings. They sit in the back of the shelf behind everything. I never watch them. A wasted chance. The equivalent of buying an EP TV-edit of a film on VHS (Cat O’ Nine Tails taught me not to buy VHS tapes from the Kmart bargain bin). My heart sinks and I sigh. Oh well.
Don’t get rid of your VCR.
Do you remember the last time you were with some friends or listening to or reading or watching something and you started laughing and could not stop? Where it hurts so much that you needed to stop because you were getting a pain in your chest?
Two words: Troll 2
John Millholland, Kevin J. Jolly (the j stands for Jolly) and I watched Troll 2 one night in late-1994. We rented it from the “Almost New” releases at Video King. They sat in my small single dorm room along with me drinking Snapple and eating Pizza and laughing. If you’ll pardon my French, Holy Shit, we laughed! Every other minute we were in absolute hysterics. Bursting big laughter. We couldn’t believe what we were seeing. Everyone looked human. Everyone must be from the planet Earth. Why was it all so goofy? Troll 2 is a movie that a basic “It is goofball” does not even begin to suffice. Like the best of these movies that we love and write about, everything in it takes place in an alternate Earth. On Earth-B, Troll 2 won the Oscar (or The Morris) for Best Picture. The Grampa and the Witch won Best Supporting Actor awards. And, Best Special Effects? Oh yes. Somehow a little gap opened in between the worlds and a movie showed up. What the hell is it? It’s Troll 2 but it doesn’t have trolls in it. And, it has nothing to do with Troll. Obviously, in Earth-B, troll=goblin and the first Troll would have been a film called Goblin here. But, that film never got made. So, Troll 2 is a sequel to a film that does not exist (like Surf II) except there is a troll or “goblin”. (I would like to make Surf.) And, what we perceive as madness in Troll 2 is translated to Laurence Olivier and John Ford on Earth-B. But, we didn’t know that in 1994. All we knew was we couldn’t stop laughing. I took a sip of Snapple and laughed and the Snapple jammed somewhere around my heart. It hurt. It’s still there. My remembrance of mortality and aerobics. And peeing on food. And so many things. And, a DVD release. When I saw the DVD, I leapt in the air, grabbed a light fixture and swung out across the main floor of Amoeba Records. What else could I do? A mania for double feature discs made someone say “Oh, there’s a Troll 2! Throw it on the DVD.” And, we have it. And, seeing the film letterboxed on DVD just makes it all the odder. On Earth-B, there was no American Beauty or Winter Light; there was Troll 2. We laughed so much. If you rent the DVD, you will laugh. How much? So much. I’m off to Earth-B to ask them if they know Chester N. Turner. I think he’s the President of the World there.
The Evil Dead Invitations
You are invited to ride to the Ithaca College/Cornell University shuttle with Dan Budnik on 4/21/92, in celebration of the Cornell Cinema screening of Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn. A charter bus has been hired to take a select group of Dan’s family and friends to the movie theater, where ninety minutes of serious fun is anticipated. There will be food and snacks on the bus and music, movies and games will be played. (Alcoholic beverages are allowed on the bus, but it’s a BYOB affair. Everything else is taken care of.) A complimentary buffet pass to any of the three dining halls at the University will be given to each attendee. Dan would really like for you to come, as he thinks you’re swell. The bus will be leaving from the Tower Building, across from the Main Hall promptly at 7:15pm. If you have any questions, please call…
Please do not bring gifts; but, please, wear pants or trousers!!
Hope to see you there!
“Had a great time! Funny movie!” – Robb
“I thought it would suck but it rocked!” – Dave
“Now, I want to see the first one!” – Kevin
“I loved it! And, I loved the bus ride!” – John
You are invited to sit in the dorm room of Dan B. and Eric S. with Dan B. and Eric S. on 10/28/92 in celebration of The Evil Dead. A charter bus has been hired to take a select group of Dan’s family and friends to the dorm room, where ninety minutes of serious fun is anticipated. There will be no food and snacks on the bus and music, movies and games will not be played. (Alcoholic beverages are allowed on the bus, but it’s a BYOB affair. Everything else is not taken care of.) A complimentary buffet pass to any of the three dining halls will not be given to each attendee. Pizza may be ordered. Gyros may be ordered. Dan would really like for you to come, as he thinks you saw the second one and he thinks the first one is much scarier and a hell of a good time. The bus will be leaving from your momma’s house and we’ll see you. Just come down!
If you have any questions, please call “Your Mama” at 1-800-YO-MOMMA. Please bring gifts — it’s about Dan!!
“I didn’t like it.” – Robb
“It was real cheap.” – Dave
“Army of Darkness was a lot better. Why was it so cheap?” – Eric
“It’s all right. I don’t know what Dan was going on about.” – Kevin
“I like the other two.” – John
You are invited to Dan’s apartment to watch the DVD of The Evil Dead on 05/28/98 in celebration of Dan buying the DVD. A charter bus has been…No, it hasn’t. Drive down. We’ll watch and enjoy. I’ll make soup. If you have any questions, please call Dan. Hope to see you there!
“Now this is more like it! I get it now! But, the others are better!” – Robb
“It’s OK. It’s nice to be able to see everything.” – Dave
“Fun. I don’t think it’s scary at all but fun.” – Eric
“The DVD made it look awesome. It’s real funny but not as good as the others.” – Kevin
“You can really tell how the second one improved on this one now that you can see it.” – John
“I don’t like it. It’s become a footnote on its way to the other movies rather than a movie in its own right. I need to find my old VHS. Why can’t the DVD have a ‘VHS print’ option?” – Dan
A Book Report About A Movie Called Buried Alive
By Danny Budnik, Age 10
I like movies. Do you? They’re nice. Movies make me laugh and cry and yell and jump up and down and up and down again. The movie I watched for this movie review paper is Buried Alive. It is a nice movie about a guy who lives in a big house in the countryside. (I think he’s in Wyoming.) He lives with a nice lady who takes care of him. The guy’s almost wife dies. On no, I thought, what we will he do now? When my Gampy died, we had to bury him. But, they had little cakes at the funeral.
This guy takes his girlfriend and he is a taxidermist so he stuffs her. And, he kisses her because she is pretty. I think he stuffed her with dark hair or fur because I saw some dark hair down around her legs and tummy. I would like to be a taxidermist when I grow up.
He brings other ladies home and he kills them. Really, he’s a mean guy my Dad said. He gives one lady a bath but he has to dismember her to do it. It was kind of gross and bloody but I’d still like to be a taxidermist. The ending is really weird because this stuff happens and I didn’t know it was going to happen and it scared me.
My mom was surprised at the movie because she didn’t know why I’d be reviewing it for school. But, I told her not to worry. I like movies. She does, too. Her favorite is Bambi, with the deer. Maybe the guy in this movie did some taxidermy to Bambi’s mom. My first movie I saw in the theater was Pinocchio.
I liked Buried Alive. Some of the people talked weird, like their voices didn’t match their mouths. I have an aunt who talks like that but my Dad said it’s not the same thing. It was kind of scary and a little gross but I learned a lot. I’m glad I watched it. Buried Alive. Have a nice day.
…
Hey, Danny Budnik. I think you got the wrong movie. In reality, I didn’t make it that far through Buried Alive aka Beyond the Darkness. Necrophilia and graphic murder and dismemberment. Sure, I love it. But, what’s it all for? Sometimes parents would just let you rent stuff. This one and Bloodsucking Freaks were the two that felt like some kind of big swindle.
It was when I was in high school that I actually watched the entire film. And, it was about a year ago that I picked up the DVD. As I mentioned earlier, I always like a DVD that improves upon the movie but doesn’t take you out of the movie. For me, the movie is the selling point. If I ever go after something because of the Bonus Features, I think I might be high.
Don’t get me wrong. I love great bonus features. The first laserdisc I rented was Halloween from Criterion. The extras on that were fantastic. For me, Beyond The Darkness was “Uncut” and letterboxed and that’s all I needed. Granted, the uncut part of it was a few extra minutes of dialogue but…It was nice of them to release this uncut originally, except for blab. And, it’s nice that the film is as eerie and odd as I remember it.
The Italian horrors seem to hold up like that for some reason or other, possibly the language barrier and the dubbing. (Patrick Still Lives seems to be in a slightly different world. Now, I’ve only seen that with the Italian subtitles so…). Beyond The Darkness has that wonderful disconnect that Italian horror has. That thing that makes it still weird regardless of what you do to it. It can’t be “un-weirded”. It will always look and sound slightly screwy. It’s nice to know that some of the DVD companies realize this.
I like that. Danny Budnik did too. He turned out OK. He got a B+ on the report and was commended on his use of a thesaurus for the word dismember. Although, he was picked on for using the title and author credit in the 350-word word count.
A Letter (TBD before The Last Slumber Party)
“Dear Chris,
I am not a queer.
How are you? Well, I hope. I’m doing fine myself. It’s getting pretty warm here but that’s to be expected. It’s summer now. How is Louisiana? I’ve never been but I love spicy foods so we’re not as different as you might think.
Why am I writing this letter to you? Chris, I have seen your movie The Last Slumber Party and I like you. Your sass is part of it. Hell yeah, why wouldn’t it be? A man likes some sass. The way you cock your hips and just let loose the zingers is a joy. None of the other ladies from LA (or, at least, the three or four others in the film) has half of your charm. Even brushing your hair is like a journey through the “Erotic Hair Brushing” chapter of the Kama Sutra. I can’t resist…
I will try not to go overboard. I don’t want to seem like a stalker. I mean you don’t know me from Adam and I’ve watched you for hours. You know, that does make me sound like a stalker. It’s not supposed to. It’s supposed to make me sound like someone who is interested in you, Chris. What is your last name? Something with a French tinge perhaps? Hmmm…
I must say that the first time I saw your film, back in 1996, I was not amused. I had been watching a lot of films like this and LSP (May I?) did little for me. Another VHS. Another bunch of folks killed. It was a little odd but I wasn’t thrilled. Although, Steven Tyler as writer/director? Tell him that “A Night In The Ruts” is my favorite album. I’d love to meet him and sing mama Kin with him, one fine day.
Can you believe that I didn’t see you through the film? Hell, I didn’t see the film through the film. Sometimes you watch a lot of these and a good one (nay, a great one) can be missed. LSP got lucky because I gave it a second chance. It was a Saturday afternoon. It was 1997. I sat in the old armchair that I’d taken off of a curb a year ago, grabbed some White Trash Champagne (Is Mountain Dew your favorite too?) and watched. And loved.
It was all there. Every single moment of the movie had something happening that made me smile or laugh or jump or think of you. Sweet Chris! You know that feeling when the full chorus kicks in in the final movements of Beethoven’s 9th. “I hear you are dealing on Chris.” 1…2…Ode to joy, Chris-style! And, I could not take my eyes off the film. And, I wanted to tell everyone I knew.
But, infatuation of a 3rd Degree level can be dangerous. Not “queer” dangerous. But, trouble nonetheless. So, I took the movie to a friend to see if he saw what I saw.
He didn’t. Oh dear.
He was a bit bored and he couldn’t see what was on the screen. Purple Mountains majesty. And, yes, I am speaking metaphorically.
Chris, I cried that night. I felt so alone. This movie was great and, by extension, you were great. So, why did I fell like a bona fide A-1 Plug Nickel?
“…Believe in Yourself!” My Gramma always used to say that to me. And, I know it is true.
Chris, I’m right. I watched that film again and again and again. It became one of my most-prized VHS tapes. I showed it to everyone I knew and, yes, two people I didn’t. Joy. Nothing but shining, fragrant joy.
Then, the DVD came out and, frankly, I was worried. What if it ended here? Digital media can be a cruel mistress. What if the film was over-souped up? What if the extras rendered the film into a series of images, washing the magic away as if I had removed the ink from my copy of The Sound And The Fury? I was worried, Chris.
It was the DVD that made me write to you. I have seen The Last Slumber Party on a Digital Versatile Disc and it is better than ever. No, Terror At Tenkiller did not distract me. Neither did Stacy or her friend. You stand head and shoulders above them all. (Did you hurt yourself when you got stabbed and fell down the stairs?)
The DVD works. It looks a little better than the VHS but not so much that I am distracted. No extras mean that you remain, in my imagination, as fresh as a newborn babe.
Chris, as I mentioned earlier, I’m still not queer.
If I visit Louisiana, will you be not-queer with me? We can watch The Last Slumber Party and laugh and laugh and laugh until we are taken to the hospital and placed under Dr. Sickler’s care.
What do you think?
With sincereness,
Dale Burlap, Friend”
Don’t Go In The Woods (Post-DVD Update)
This email was sent to friends on October 27, 2006. I have edited it only slightly to fix one or two glaring bits of buffoonery.
“Here is the story:
The New Beverly was probably a bit fuller than it was for
Don’t Go Near The Park. I sat in the front row, waiting for the movie to begin. After a moment, I stood up and scanned around. I’d watched the DVD documentary the night before so I was looking for…Ha Ha! An older gentleman with a big, white beard in the far corner eating popcorn and with a big drink. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Bryan! So, I ran up to him. And, he stood up and went into the lobby. (He didn’t see me. Pure coincidence.) I sat right near where he had sat and waited. After a few minutes, I poked my head out into the lobby. Where’d he go?
I went back into the theatre. The two guys in charge were preparing for the give-aways. (I won nothing.) Where is…? Oh no. He is now sitting in the front row, one seat away from where I was just sitting. And now there are other people there! So, I ran down, took a deep breath and said “Mr. Bryan, I’m a big fan, sir. Would you please sign this?” (The DVD insert.)
He set down his popcorn and pop and stood up. He shook my hand, heartily, and said “Thank you very much. What’s your name?” I told him and he signed the front of the insert. “To Dan, All the best. James Bryan” Awesome! He told me to enjoy the film. I said “I will, sir. Yes, sir.” Well, I could have left then. But, I hunkered down.
Don Jones was not there. But, the give-aways went on forever. The Forest didn’t end until ten after ten. The trailers were good. I was worried because, although I like The Forest, it doesn’t seem like a crowd-pleaser. Not enough killing. Too much set-up. Not enough stuff.
I was right.
The audience spent the movie laughing at it and heaping scorn. I’m glad I saw it and I’ll buy the DVD but I wasn’t so thrilled. It was the same thing with
Headless Eyes. Some films seem like they might work with a modern crowd. But, they don’t.
As you can imagine, I was rather worried. I didn’t look forward to saying “I saw it on the big screen. I was annoyed and couldn’t hear anything, but I saw it.”
Luckily.
The movie started. The first killing elicited a few yells but nothing big. Then, the Main Four show up and go away several seconds later. A lot of “What the hells?” Then, the birdwatcher showed up. Folks laughed then yelled when his arm flew off. From there, the momentum built. People were laughing and screaming and applauding. When Cherry and Dick showed up, all the innuendo lovers kind of stopped short when they realized that the filmmaker was in on the silly, dirty names.
It never let up. The biggest moment was the wheelchair guy losing his head. People yelled out “You can make it!” and “One more push!” as you see him stop moving. Then, his head comes [off]. People screamed and laughed for a good ten to twenty seconds. It was awesome. I don’t fully buy that the film is comedy…but there are plenty of moments that seemed odd when I watched it alone or with a small group that become hysterical with a crowd.
For example, Ingrid and Peter running from the maniac. The music pounds away when our heroes are running. Then, you see the clouds. pause. SCREAM! from the Maniac. The first time was a little ha. By the third time, it became a hysterical cycle of shots. And, when the Maniac warms up to scream and then screams, I burst into hysterics. Comedy? Maybe comedic moments. A very strange film with horror and comedy pressed against each other. So close it’s tough to tell them apart some times.
The guy who played Craig was there. By time it ended, it was past midnight and the theatre was pushing us out. I stayed for a few questions but had to get going if I ever wanted to get home. (The Q&A I heard was stuff I heard on the DVD. No one had the DVD yet. They sold a box full of them at the theatre.)
All in all, Best Movie Ever. One of the best movie-going experiences I have had since Laurel and Hardy had a pants-ripping party and the crowd laughed for a full thirty seconds after the movie ended and the lights went up.
Awesome.
Don’t Go In The Woods. If you’ve read my article on it, you’ll see how I felt about the film from 1990 to October 23, 2007. I wrote the article specifically to show exactly how I felt before I knew anything about it.
Well, I’ve seen it on the big screen. I’ve watched the wonderful DVD. I’ve had Mr. Bryan sign my DVD. I’ve read the lengthy chapter in Stephen Thrower’s superb book Nightmare USA. And, I will say this…James Bryan is an intelligent man with a good sense of humor whose opus is much cleverer than I had imagined.
I was so, so worried that everything I would learn about the film would catapult it from being one of my favorites to being an “Ahhh.” Losing all its mystery and excitement. Well, that didn’t happen. I look at the film in a completely different light now. The biggest thing that shifted my feeling on the film (apart from seeing it with a crowd) was this: In the extras, there is a clip of James Bryan and Tom Drury on a Utah talk show. The interviewer asked what people can expect from the film. And, James Byran says, “…there’s a little bit of Monty Python in it.” He said that when the film came out! At that moment, it fell into place. The safe flew open and all the times I thought I was laughing at the film, I was wrong. I was laughing with it. But, the guy who made it was so clever, he made me think I was laughing at it. He was a step ahead the whole time. That’s tricky stuff.
Touché, Mr. Bryan! I can’t wait until your other films come out on DVD. Bravo, sir!
Outro
Kind of a neat word: outro. BS Lives!
July 1, 2007
