PANIC

Directed by Tonino Ricci
Gorgon VHS

THE FILM
What is going on? Why is the army here? This is the United Kingdom! We have rights! What are those noises in the sewers? Why are there so many middlemen in government? Why do we live in the one village in Britain populated by nothing but Italians? Why is David Warbeck the only British guy here?

Where is Professor Adams? You told me he went fishing! Why is all his fishing stuff in his home? Wasn’t he at the heart of the chemical leak the other day? I noticed that his disappearance coincides with the rash of killings breaking out around here. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?!

Is that a crazy-ass melting face mutant killing everyone? Is he horny? Why does he kill so many nice ladies who are nude or nude-ish? Why-Why is there such a long, boring chase in the sewers near the end? And, where the heck did they find those two guys in the plane?

I don’t like when the army sets up roadblocks and shoots at me! Why are they doing that? “Army maneuvers”? Do you think I am a stupid man? I may be panicking but I’m not a jerk. You are!

And your mama!

Why are we all dubbed so funny? Are we Italian? What is that plane doing spiraling down towards us filled with nerve gas? Who is ordering all this? I keep going up the line of government to get to the person in charge but everyone has a “superior”? What is happening?

AUDIO AND VIDEO
Why are some shots completely dark? Why is everything so hazy? Am I infected? Why do we all sound like we’re talking in a large closet even when we’re outside in a crowd?

EXTRAS
Answer my questions!

FINAL THOUGHTS
In the end, I didn’t Panic as much as I thought I would. But, the suspense gripped me for 91 minutes. They are Italians! Professor Adams is a mutant! The government wants to kill me! And, these 91 minutes got better as they went along but got a little dull near the end.

Do you like Italians? Then, you should try to go buck-ass nuts for the duration of this movie. It’s not bad.

01/31/08